Moms, move over. Dads, lean in.

I had another conversation on this, my pet peeve, this time with a good friend from my past. He asked me how I ‘manage’ when I travel. And also was very impressed that my husband could ‘manage’ our son in my absence. Although I’ve had this conversation many many, MANY times, I was a bit surprised because I thought we had similar upbringing, and didn’t expect this conversation from him.
It made me think. 

I’ve also had conversations with close friends who are dads-to-be, whose idea of fatherhood is EXACTLY the same as my idea of motherhood. Means they want the whole experience. The sleepless nights, hours of unexplainable crankiness, cutting back on work, tracking their child’s littlest physical need and emotional mood. This conversation ends in them sighing regretfully, because they usually defer to their wives’ idea of parenting, which is that she knows best and makes the rules of parenting, thus dictating the role of the father.

There’s a clearing in the middle which represents perfect equal parenting, and a long walk from both sides to revel in this idyllic pasture.

Moms, get off your pedestal. Facilitate equal rights to parenting.
You know as much as you were taught or exposed to which may be more than your husband, because of the way girls are shaped from childhood. This does not make you a better parent than your husband. For you, equal parenting means being clear from the start that you don’t know it all. Because you don’t. Every mom will tell you that despite all the ‘training’ she got on this prior to having a baby, it’s a different and unique journey. A journey that is enriching because you figure it out as you go along and this emotional and mental engagement in your child is what makes it fulfilling. Taking dad along on this journey means stepping back and letting some things go so that dad can step in. Expect more from dad and give him room to experiment. And if you’re the sort who likes the control you get from maintaining that the realm of parenting can only be done by you, then get over it – that’s unfair and a bit unrealistic.  

Dads, lean in. Claim equal rights to parenting.
You know as much as you were taught or exposed to, which depends completely on your childhood environment. This does not make you better or less knowledgeable than your wife. And if you didn’t get the exposure, there’s a wealth of experience to draw from; people have had kids since forever. There’s forums online, reams of written material, older and wiser family members, and of course, your wife to discuss and learn with. Parenting is a unique journey for each person, that is enriching because you figure it out as you go along and this emotional and mental engagement in your child is what makes it fulfilling. And if you’re the sort who finds it convenient that your wife ‘manages’ the house and kids, then get over it – that’s unfair and a bit cowardly.

And to everyone else, recognize the stereotype - they creep up in everyday conversations - and call your own thinking on it, and then invite others to challenge these notions as well.

The virtual world gets (horribly) real

Recently, a whatsapp group admin was murdered because he expelled a member for unacceptable behavior. Also recently, an unthinking comment on a (usually) well-moderated group of mothers went communal because the group was unmoderated for seven hours, while the admin chose to spend those hours with her kids instead. The admin was stalked, threated and forced to get police protection.

The virtual world just got unmistakably, horribly real.

Until now, social networking offered many a way to connect with communities and like-minded people that surpassed the physical boundaries they had to live in so far. A world they could not find with neighbours, work colleagues or sometimes even their own families. Until now, it’s been a cozy little Utopia.

But mobile penetration is higher than the use of toilets. And personal space, the rules of social engagement, the need for civil behavior and even the legal enforcement of these had never come up. We need to realize now – social media and society are one and the same. The virtual world is made up of people. Only until now, those people were still experimenting with it. Today’s generation are digital natives, who learn about phones and internet along with their first baby words. Also – smart phones and internet penetration has only scraped the tip of the iceberg. While currently only 34% of India’s population is online, industry is leading a frantic race to increase users and get everyone online.

So from a sociological context what we have on our hands is a potential nightmare. A world where under the notion of anonymity and no geographical, social or culturally enforced limitations, it’s easy for the best of us to lose grounding and rationality and give way to the dark side. I shared once a video of a drunk cop on a metro train and was all judgemental….it later came to light that he was suffering a stroke while riding home in the metro. I reposted with chastisement, but the damage was done by collective social media fueled by thousands of such shares. I shudder to think about how easy it is for the committed and conscience-less anti-social personality to deal in murky, downright creepy exchange of ideas, material, trade or worse.

Cyber laws and their enforcement are met with the ambiguity of free speech and the complete confusion on how to handle this new type of social scenario that transcends the limitations of the law.

More than laws, a society is governed by peer pressure and conformity. How will India’s diversity, and more terrifyingly – India’s hyper discriminatory, over critical, self-righteous culture translate online?

Will the 34% of people online rapidly mature and be able to nudge newbies into behaving?

We need to realize that a personal moral code is carried over into our online social life. And if that is a common moral code, then we have a civil society. While India is held together by several moral codes, each was limited to a geography, a religion, a community. The great melting pot is around the corner, and let’s face it. India is volatile – passions run high, rationalism is perceived to be anti-national, and communal sentiment is a pile of tinder, with politicians just waiting to light a match.  

Social media is going to rip off the paper thin façade that holds us together off and let the crazy out. It’s the wild wild west where everyone has a gun, and triggers ‘send’ with no sense of reality or consequence.

Is it time to log out? Or is it the right time to log in?